The Fear of not doing...

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Hey guys!

If there's anything like over overdue, then that's what this post is. It feels like ages since the introductory post. I officially apologize. It's been a tiring couple of weeks 😒, and honestly, I just want to have some time with my friends at the mall. Probably get one or two hugs...but then, there's the Rona and all... Oh well.

This period I went AWOL hasn't been funny one bit. No jokes. I've questioned a lot- the decision to start this blog, the type of content I decided to post, and so many other life decisions I've been making recently. Now, it's very normal to have doubts about new endeavors, but sometimes it's more than that. Sometimes I feel these things I'm doing are not enough. These steps aren't big enough. I have to do more. I'm sure you've felt this way at one point of your life or the other. For me, I constantly find myself wishing that like Joshua in the Bible, I had the power to say 'Dear Sun, dey one place fess biko', and the sun would stand absolutely still. Or maybe like King Hezekiah, I could ask God to make the shadow go back ten steps(or at least a few minutes!😩). Maybe then, I'd do something that actually counts... The thing is, even if we had extra hours each day, we may never really feel like we're doing enough. It's a constant struggle.

Most people, especially young adults have this issue, we're not alone. You feel like you're not doing enough! And so you find yourself first playing the comparison game. You remind yourself of everyone who is allegedly doing better than you. You feel like what you're doing is just wasting time and you are always obsessing about the fact that you're wasting time. I used to be(and sometimes I still am) in this category of 'most young people'. I'M NEVER DOING ENOUGH! At least that's what I feel. This means I find myself taking on more responsibilities, joining more groups, enrolling for more online classes, writing down more things on my to-do list, so I can do away with this feeling that I'm wasting precious time. Does this help me? Well, I'm sure you know the answer to that.

This constant need to do something 'big' usually results in a vicious cycle. For me, it started with that feeling that I had to be doing something, ANYTHING; to taking up more activities.  Eventually, I'd get choked up and almost certainly burnt-out. This degenerated to feeling really down and not wanting to do anything anymore, then procrastination, and back to the feeling that I had to do something 'meaningful'. This was definitely an unhappy period for me.

As a yodult(yup. It's definitely a word now! Get used to it...lol), it's not uncommon to feel defined by where you are and what you're doing. Most young adults tend to lead meaning-driven lives. However this can progress into a form of time anxiety (because you can't afford to be wasting time...and you feel you are...yunno...). It even has a name!- FOND(Fear Of Not Doing) or FONDE(Fear Of Not Doing Enough). Although they're related, it shouldn't be confused with FOMO(Fear Of Missing Out). One of the things this anxiety does to you is that instead of actually doing, you're more focused on the fact that time is passing and you're not utilizing it. Eventually it could degenerate into stress, inability to sleep, excessive worry, etc.

This FOND(E) is a real issue for a lot of people. So this post is for you if you constantly

• Feel lazy for having leisure time

• Wish for more hours in the day but aren't exactly productive with the one you have

• Always have guilt gnawing at you because you feel you can be doing more.

• Constantly feel you're not doing enough(even when you have super productive days)

• Are afraid of missing out because you feel you don't put in enough effort.

I want to say that it isn't really our fault you know... Right? Wrong! As much as the society of today is very obsessed with efficiency and productivity, the decision is still up to you! You're the one who decides whether you get breathing space or not. You're the one who decides what enough is and isn't. It's you! you! you! and no one else.

That anxious feeling that you're not doing nearly enough isn't good for you and I could give you a million reasons why. Here's some-

• It makes you overcommit. You take on more, try to do more because you feel it'll boost your self esteem and the like like. Unfortunately, things don't work that way.

• You get swamped, and eventually unproductive. More activities equals less time. And if anything, what you need is more time.

• You may lose track of the things that actually matter, because you're focusing in all the wrong things

• It clogs your headspace and reduces mental clarity. As a result, you can't really get anything done properly and you're stuck in that cycle!

• Your peace of mind is tampered with. There's the continuous feeling of inadequacy you're not able to shake off, constant restlessness, plus lots more. As a result, you're always thinking of all the things you could be doing.

• It tampers with your self esteem. You feel 'useless' and constantly belittle yourself and your efforts. You compare yourself to your 'mates'. And degrade yourself and your efforts because you feel you can never measure up. This affects a lot of things about your life, including your self esteem and I don't have to tell you how damaging a low self esteem is for you.

• Etc…

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In a world where everyone is( or is pretending to be) on the fast lane, it can look like everyone is making it and has it all together except you. It doesn't help that social media is filled with 'goals' for every area of your life. Here's how we can overcome the fear of not doing-

Photo from Google.

Calm down

Take deep breaths. Relax. That's the first rule to dealing with anxiety most times. Find a relaxing activity to engage in. You could take a walk, or do some yoga. Meditation and prayer also goes a long way in helping me relax when I'm stressed. Remember that if you're not calm, you may make a lot of mistakes

Talk to yourself

Do a Pep talk, TED talk, or whatever talk works for you. If you're really making the effort, now is the time to tell yourself that. If you have to, write down all the activities you're currently engaged in to prove to yourself that you're doing great!

Let go

I'd suggest you take some time off. A few days, a week, a month. Whatever time you need. Drop all the negative energy, and all the self sabotaging behavior. Take some time to think of all the tasks you've taken up as a result of what others may think or feel and let them go. Use this time to treat yourself too. If you talked to yourself, you'll find out that you're really doing a great job. Reward yourself for that, no matter how little.

Say No!

Learn to refuse. Stop taking on new projects. Don't join that committee. Don't accept that role. Just say no. Ask yourself 2 questions to help you decide. One, is it absolutely necessary right now, and two, can it be done by someone else? You'll achieve more on specific projects when you have time. Take the step to decluttering your life depending on these answers and see how much things improve.

Get organized.

First and foremost, pick a hustle. Like! I'm not saying don't have knowledge of different things o. What I'm saying is that you should have a main thing. Then, this may sound very cliché, but get a to-do list. Checking stuff off your list helps you see that you're actually doing something. Apart from the regular daily list, do some long term organization. Have set goals. Then outline the process you need to go through to get to them. Writing them down will help you remember when it's necessary. If you're not the traditional paper and pencil person, apps like Things and Todoist go a long way. They work on basically every device, and can be synchronized across devices.

Have deadlines.

It doesn't end with knowing what you want to do and how to do it. Doing it is the main 'koko'. Organizing your tasks and time will help you have a clear picture of where you're going and how to get there. Deadlines will make sure you're focused on what you're doing so you don't have time to compare yourself with others and brood. Make sure your deadlines are realistic so you don't overwork yourself. They should also be flexible. Try as much as possible to meet every single one. However, remember that this is life. We can't always be in control of things all the time.

Prioritize.

Yes, I know you've heard it before. At the risk of sounding like a broken record though, I'll say it again. Have priorities! Decide what is important to you and they should come first. You'll achieve more meaningful things that way. Before you take on a task, ask yourself why you're doing it. Tell yourself the gospel truth, and then let your answer help you plan.

Attach purpose to every activity

Everything you do is important! Tell yourself that. Attach a higher purpose to it. So even if it's Netflix and chill on a Friday night, you tell yourself that it's a relaxation process to make sure you have a super productive week. Whatever it is, remind yourself that every single activity you engage in serves the higher purpose of moving you to greatness. 

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Don't rush!

Yup. I know what you're thinking! 😂. Seriously though, decide not to rush. Like chill. Calm down. Yes, I know you only have one life, and its passing but since it's just one, shouldn't you at least try to spend it in a better way other than fretting? Your life doesn't end at 30. You mustn't have a certain amount of money in your bank account by the time you're 25. You can still do so many things when you're 50. It doesn't all end now. You get?

Stop. Then plan.

This may seem unconventional, but it has helped me countless times. Stop. Just stop. Don't ask for advice, go offline if you have to. Leave google. Leave YouTube, Reddit or whatever it is. Just stop!! Then restrategize. Think about the big things you feel you should be doing, make a plan to do them if they're absolutely necessary and forget them if they're not.

Empower yourself with counter thoughts

Speak words of encouragement to yourself whenever those thoughts come. Do some affirmations when you wake up each day. Have empowering quotes around your room, on your notebook, in your car, etc. Listen to things that lift your spirit… Quote scripture constantly. Repel the negative energy.

Stop looking around.

Don't engage in negative comparison. Learn to strike a balance. It's good to look at others and learn from them, however you shouldn't be so stuck up on what others are doing that you forget your own uniqueness and what you should be doing.

Image from the internet.

Live in the moment!

You only live once! You might as well enjoy the journey. The greatness you seek won't happen overnight. It's a journey. It's  a process. So enjoy it! Celebrate the small wins. So you only lost 5kg instead of 10 the previous month? Celebrate it! You didn't achieve as much as you wanted to? Celebrate what you did achieve, then pick yourself up and move on! Don't be so caught up in trying to do that you forget the things that actually matter.

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It all gets really overwhelming sometimes especially when it seems people around you are doing 'better' than you are. It'll take a consciousness on your part to stop degrading your efforts and selling yourself short. Pressure is usually self imposed. The things that get to you are mostly the things you let get to you. You're doing great, and contrary to what you think, you do have time.

If you've experienced FOND(E) before, or anything close to it, I'll be glad to hear from you in the comment section. You can also email me at myodultcache@gmail.com. I'll be waiting to hear from you!

Remember to keep living, loving, growing and most importantly growing.

I hope to see you again real soon...

Until next time, have a place in the Sun!

Your AlphaFemale,

Peace❤